Six years ago today, something heartbreaking and life-changing happened to me (how do I remember the exact date? I harbor a few rain-man tendencies...). While I was back home having Thanksgiving with my family, my fiance at the time was celebrating his 21st birthday in Kearney (where he & I were living together) by sleeping with a stripper from Cozad. In our bed.
Bet you weren't expecting that.
So why am I airing out this particularly dirty piece of personal laundry on the internet (and probably making at least one person incredibly uncomfortable in the process)? Because, even though it was the most painful experience of my life thus far--there are not enough adjectives to describe that kind of deep-seated pain--it was quite possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me.
It forced me to find myself for the first time, ever. Instead of being defined by a small-town high school, and then a long-distance boyfriend, suddenly I could only be defined by me, and I had to figure out what that meant on my own. With the never-ending guidance & support of my incredible family (whom I was finally able to have a solid relationship with again!) and more than my fair share of kindred souls along the way, of course. It also led me to some of the deepest connections I've ever had, friends and more than friends.
All in all, I would have to say that this night, six years ago, is really what made me who I am (trite, but true). After about eight months of self-pity, the quiet, insecure, mousey-Shelly who begged him not to leave her & who gained 20 lbs in less than two weeks after this revelation suddenly was forced to open her eyes, and realized that she did deserve more, and that there was a whole big world out there full of wondrous experiences and intriguing people, and in the end, more than enough to keep her happy outside of that relationship.
It really does seem like another lifetime. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real, or feel like it was actually me that it happened to.
It may have taken six years, but I am finally in a place where I can look back on that night without any residual hate or malcontent. I wish him well, and I almost feel like I should thank him. For giving us both a way out of a situation that neither of us were really prepared for, and that most likely would have ended much, much worse farther down the line; for not listening to me when I insisted that we stay together no matter what; for being strong enough to walk away (the first time) when I wasn't; and for being respectful enough to bow completely the second time, after I had finally found my independence. Maybe someday I will.
