I took this transcipt of President Biden's inauguration speech from the LA Times website. I considered posting quotes or highlights, but the truth is, the entire speech spoke to me in such a way that I couldn't choose any part or parts that were more important, or more eloquently put than the others. So I decided to reblog the speech in its entirety, for myself as much as anyone else. I believe he says it better than I could, anyway.
But I will say this; after having read the speech, I feel... a lightness, & a sense of hope that I haven't felt in over a year. And I hope reading this speech can bring the same inspiration to you.
Chief Justice Roberts, Vice President Harris, Speaker Pelosi, Leader Schumer, Leader McConnell, Vice President Pence, and my distinguished guests, my fellow Americans, this is America’s day. This is democracy’s day. A day of history and hope, of renewal and resolve. Through a crucible for the ages, America has been tested anew and America has risen to the challenge.
Today, we celebrate the triumph not of a candidate, but of a cause. The cause of democracy. The people, the will of the people has been heard, and the will of the people has been heeded. We’ve learned again that democracy is precious. Democracy is fragile. And at this hour, my friends, democracy has prevailed.
So now, on this hallowed ground, where just a few days ago violence sought to shake the Capitol’s very foundation, we come together as one nation under God, indivisible, to carry out the peaceful transfer of power as we have for more than two centuries.
As we look ahead in our uniquely American way — restless, bold, optimistic — and set our sights on the nation we know we can be and we must be. I thank my predecessors of both parties for their presence here today. I thank them from the bottom of my heart and I know—
And I know the resilience of our Constitution and the strength, the strength of our nation, as does President Carter who I spoke with last night who cannot be with us today but whom we salute for his lifetime of service.
I’ve just taken a sacred oath each of those patriots have taken. The oath first sworn by George Washington. But the American story depends not in any one of us, not on some of us, but on all of us. On we, the people who seek a more perfect union. This is a great nation. We are good people. And over the centuries, through storm and strife, in peace and in war, we’ve come so far, but we still have far to go.
We’ll press forward with speed and urgency for we have much to do in this winter of peril and significant possibilities. Much to repair, much to restore, much to heal, much to build and much to gain.
Few people in our nation’s history have been more challenged or found a time more challenging or difficult than the time we are in now. Once-in-a-century virus that silently stalks the country has taken as many lives in one year as America lost in all of World War II.
Millions of jobs have been lost. Hundreds of thousands of businesses closed. A cry for racial justice some 400 years in the making moves us. The dream of justice for all will be deferred no longer.
The cry for survival comes from the planet itself. A cry that can’t be any more desperate or any more clear. And now a rise of political extremism, white supremacy, domestic terrorism that we must confront and we will defeat.
To overcome these challenges, to restore the soul and secure the future of America requires so much more than words. It requires the most elusive of all things in a democracy. Unity. Unity.
In another January, on New Year’s Day in 1863, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. When he put pen to paper, the president said, and I quote, “If my name ever goes down into history, it will be for this act and my whole soul is in it.”
My whole soul is in it.
Today on this January day, my whole soul is in this. Bringing America together. Uniting our people. Uniting our nation. And I ask every American to join me in this cause.
Uniting to fight the foes we face: anger, resentment, and hatred, extremism, lawlessness, violence, disease, joblessness and hopelessness.
With unity, we can do great things, important things. We can right wrongs. We can put people to work in good jobs. We can teach our children in safe schools. We can overcome the deadly virus. We can reward work and rebuild the middle class and make healthcare secure for all. We can deliver racial justice, and we can make America once again the leading force for good in the world.
I know speaking of unity can sound to some like a foolish fantasy these days. I know the forces that divide us are deep, and they are real, but I also know they are not new. Our history has been a constant struggle between the American ideal that we are all created equal and the harsh, ugly reality that racism, nativism, fear, demonization have long torn us apart. The battle is perennial, and victory is never assured.
Through Civil War, the Great Depression, world war, 9/11, through struggle, sacrifice and setbacks, our better angels have always prevailed. In each of these moments, enough of us, enough of us have come together to carry all of us forward, and we can do that now.
History, faith and reason show the way, the way of unity. We can see each other not as adversaries but as neighbors. We can treat each other with dignity and respect. We can join forces, stop the shouting and lower the temperature.
For without unity, there is no peace, only bitterness and fury; no progress, only exhausting outrage; no nation, only a state of chaos. This is our historic moment of crisis and challenge, and unity is the path forward. And we must meet this moment as the United States of America.
If we do that, I guarantee you we will not fail. We have never ever, ever, ever failed in America when we have acted together, and so today at this time in this place, let’s start off fresh, all of us. Let’s begin to listen to one another again, hear one another, see one another, show respect to one another. Politics doesn’t have to be a raging fire destroying everything in its path. Every disagreement doesn’t have to be a cause for total war, and we must reject the culture in which facts themselves are manipulated and even manufactured.
My fellow Americans, we have to be different than this. America has to be better than this, and I believe America is so much better than this. Just look around here. We stand in the shadow of the Capitol dome as was mentioned earlier completed amid the Civil War when the Union itself was literally hanging in the balance.
Yet we endured, we prevailed. Here we stand, looking out on the great mall where Dr. King spoke of his dream. Here we stand where, 108 years ago, at another inaugural, thousands of protesters tried to block brave women marching for the right to vote, and today we mark the swearing-in of the first woman in American history elected to national office, Vice President Kamala Harris.
Don’t tell me things can’t change. Here we stand across the Potomac from Arlington Cemetery where heroes who gave the last full measure of devotion rest in eternal peace, and here we stand just days after a riotous mob thought they could use violence to silence the will of the people, to stop the work of our democracy, to drive us from this sacred ground. It did not happen; it will never happen, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Not ever.
To all of those who supported our campaign, I am humbled by the faith you have placed in us. To all of those who did not support us, let me say this: Hear me out as we move forward, take a measure of me and my heart. If you still disagree, so be it. That’s democracy, that’s America. The right to dissent peaceably within the guardrails of our republic is perhaps this nation’s greatest strength. Yet hear me clearly: Disagreement must not lead to disunion, and I pledge this to you: I will be a president for all Americans, all Americans.
And I promise you I will fight as hard for those who did not support me as for those who did.
Many centuries ago, St. Augustine, a saint in my church, wrote that a people was a multitude defined by the common objects of their love, defined by the common objects of their love. What are the common objects we as Americans love that define us as Americans? I think we know. Opportunity, security, liberty, dignity, respect, honor, and yes, the truth.
Recent weeks and months have taught us a painful lesson. There is truth and there are lies, lies told for power and for profit, and each of us has a duty and a responsibility — as citizens, as Americans and especially as leaders, leaders who have pledged to honor our Constitution and protect our nation — to defend the truth and defeat the lies.
Look, I understand that many of my fellow Americans view the future with fear and trepidation. I understand they worry about their jobs. I understand, like my dad, they lay at bed staring at night — staring at the ceiling wondering can I keep my healthcare, can I pay my mortgage? Thinking about their families, about what comes next. I promise you I get it, but the answer is not to turn inward, to retreat into competing factions, distrusting those who don’t look like — look like you or worship the way you do or don’t get their news from the same source as you do.
We must end this uncivil war that pits red against blue, rural versus urban, conservative versus liberal. We can do this if we open our souls instead of hardening our hearts if we show a little tolerance and humility and if we are willing to stand in the other person’s shoes as my mom would say just for a moment stand in their shoes because here’s the thing about life, there’s no accounting for what fate will deal you.
Some days when you need a hand, there are other days when we are called to lend a hand. That is how it has to be, and that is what we do for one another, and if we are this way, our country will be stronger, more prosperous, more ready for the future, and we can still disagree.
My fellow Americans in the work ahead of us, we are going to need each other. We need all of our strength to persevere through this dark winter. We are entering what may be the toughest and deadliest period of the virus. We must set aside politics and finally face this pandemic as one nation, one nation.
And I promise you that this, as the Bible said, weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning. We will get through this together, together.
Look, folks, all of my colleagues I have served with in the House and the Senate up here, we all understand the world is watching, watching all of us today, so here is my message to those beyond our borders: America has been tested and we’ve come out stronger for it. We will repair our alliances and engage with the world once again, not to meet yesterday’s challenges but today’s and tomorrow’s challenges.
And we’ll lead not merely by the example of our power, by the power of our example.
We’ll be a strong and trusted partner for peace, progress, and security.
Look, you all know we’ve been through so much in this nation. And in my first act as president, I’d like to ask you to join me in a moment of silent prayer, remember all those who we lost this past year to the pandemic, those 400,000 fellow Americans, moms, dads, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, friends, neighbors and coworkers.
We will honor them by becoming the people in the nation we know we can and should be. So, I ask you let’s say a silent prayer for those who’ve lost their lives and those left behind and for our country.
Amen.
Folks, this is a time of testing. We face an attack on our democracy and on truth, a raging virus, growing inequity, the sting of systemic racism, a climate in crisis, America’s role in the world. Any one of these would be enough to challenge us in profound ways, but the fact is we face them all at once, presenting this nation with a — one of the gravest responsibilities we had.
Now we’re going to be tested. Are we going to step up, all of us? It’s time for boldness for there is so much to do. And this is certain. I promise you we will be judged, you and I, by how we resolve these cascading crises of our era.
We will rise to the occasion is the question. Will we master this rare and difficult hour? Will we meet our obligations and pass along a new and better world to our children?
I believe we must. I’m sure you do as well. I believe we will. And when we do, we’ll write the next great chapter in the history of the United States of America, the American story, a story that might sound something like a song that means a lot to me. It’s called “American Anthem.” There’s one verse that stands out at least for me, and it goes like this.
“The work and prayers of century have brought us to this day. What shall be our legacy? What will our children say? Let me know in my heart when my days are through America, America, I gave my best to you.”
Let’s add — let’s us add our own work and prayers to the unfolding story of our great nation. If we do this, then when our days are through our children and our children’s children will say of us: They gave their best. They did their duty. They healed a broken land.
My fellow Americans, I close today where I began, with a sacred oath. Before God and all of you, I give you my word I will always level with you. I will defend the Constitution. I’ll defend our democracy. I’ll defend America. And I will give all, all of you, keep everything you — I do in your service, thinking not of power but of possibilities, not of personal interest but the public good. And together, we shall write an American story of hope, not fear; of unity, not division; of light, not darkness; a story of decency and dignity, love and healing, greatness and goodness.
May this be the story that guides us, the story that inspires us, and the story that tells ages yet to come that we answered the call of history. We met the moment. Democracy and hope, truth and justice did not die on our watch but thrived, that America secured liberty at home and stood once again is a beacon to the world. That is what we owe our forbears, one another, and generation to follow.
So, with purpose and result, we turn to those tasks of our time, sustained by faith, driven by conviction, devoted to one another in the country we love with all our hearts. May God bless America and may God protect our troops.
Thank you, America.
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
Thursday, March 12, 2020
New Views
"It is official - several weeks ago, we have finally escaped the unfortunate clutches of Florida!
It is sooooooooo good to be back in the Midwest!"
I typed that on October 25, 2018. I had intended to make an entire post detailing our Florida exodus and immigration into what would become our new permanent home state - Wyoming. Clearly I was just so glad to be out of Orlando that I decided against looking back, & focused on driving forward.
When we decided to move to Orlando, it was in hopes of ending up in the small town of Sundance, Wyoming. When we left Orlando, we were devastated to find out that Sundance wasn't going to be an option for us after all. We wound up in Casper, & I was lucky enough to land a fantastic job with an amazing company!!!
I loved being back at work, & my job was filled with challenging new responsibilities. I'd never been an official manager before, & even though there were times I felt frustrated & wondered if I'd gotten in over my head, I was also incredibly proud of myself & the work I was doing; even if it did mean more time away from my boys (not saying this was an easy decision - going from spending all day every day for 14 months with my son to sometimes only seeing him for 2 hours before bed made me feel insanely guilty for enjoying my career, but that's a topic for another post).
Despite this incredible opportunity, Casper just wasn't working for us as a family. No matter how much we tried, it just never felt like home. At about the one year mark, we started discussing the possibility of relocating again.
Originally, we planned to go somewhere where my company was looking to open another branch, but then my husband was offered the chance to use his motorcycle mechanics degree from Orlando. And in Sundance of all places!! Since that had been the whole point of us spending 14 months in misery (did I mention that Orlando wasn't really great for us & our relationship?), we owed it to ourselves to give this opportunity serious consideration. My job was really the only thing we had going for us in Casper, & although it broke my heart to think of leaving it, it wasn't fair to make my family stay somewhere we weren't all happy.
I'll skip over the details from the months of discussing, researching, & yes arguing. We started making moves, & I gave my notice at work (this is me we're talking about, so of course there were LOTS of tears involved there). We found a beautiful house with a garage & a fenced-in yard, & everything just fell into place. Almost like it was supposed to work out that way. My husband's new employers were unbelievably patient with us as we tried to get everything purchased, packed, & settled.
My husband started his new job with Harley Davidson this week, & I'm posting from our new kitchen while our son watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And what about my job? Well, despite how much I loved being a full-time manager, I decided I'd like to have more time for my family, and for myself. After we get a little more settled, I'm going to look for something part-time, & we'll put our son in daycare for the first time ever.
So here we are at last! Enjoying our new views :)
It is sooooooooo good to be back in the Midwest!"
I typed that on October 25, 2018. I had intended to make an entire post detailing our Florida exodus and immigration into what would become our new permanent home state - Wyoming. Clearly I was just so glad to be out of Orlando that I decided against looking back, & focused on driving forward.
When we decided to move to Orlando, it was in hopes of ending up in the small town of Sundance, Wyoming. When we left Orlando, we were devastated to find out that Sundance wasn't going to be an option for us after all. We wound up in Casper, & I was lucky enough to land a fantastic job with an amazing company!!!
I loved being back at work, & my job was filled with challenging new responsibilities. I'd never been an official manager before, & even though there were times I felt frustrated & wondered if I'd gotten in over my head, I was also incredibly proud of myself & the work I was doing; even if it did mean more time away from my boys (not saying this was an easy decision - going from spending all day every day for 14 months with my son to sometimes only seeing him for 2 hours before bed made me feel insanely guilty for enjoying my career, but that's a topic for another post).
Despite this incredible opportunity, Casper just wasn't working for us as a family. No matter how much we tried, it just never felt like home. At about the one year mark, we started discussing the possibility of relocating again.
Originally, we planned to go somewhere where my company was looking to open another branch, but then my husband was offered the chance to use his motorcycle mechanics degree from Orlando. And in Sundance of all places!! Since that had been the whole point of us spending 14 months in misery (did I mention that Orlando wasn't really great for us & our relationship?), we owed it to ourselves to give this opportunity serious consideration. My job was really the only thing we had going for us in Casper, & although it broke my heart to think of leaving it, it wasn't fair to make my family stay somewhere we weren't all happy.
I'll skip over the details from the months of discussing, researching, & yes arguing. We started making moves, & I gave my notice at work (this is me we're talking about, so of course there were LOTS of tears involved there). We found a beautiful house with a garage & a fenced-in yard, & everything just fell into place. Almost like it was supposed to work out that way. My husband's new employers were unbelievably patient with us as we tried to get everything purchased, packed, & settled.
My husband started his new job with Harley Davidson this week, & I'm posting from our new kitchen while our son watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. And what about my job? Well, despite how much I loved being a full-time manager, I decided I'd like to have more time for my family, and for myself. After we get a little more settled, I'm going to look for something part-time, & we'll put our son in daycare for the first time ever.
So here we are at last! Enjoying our new views :)
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
Dream dream dream dream
I had a dream last night that I was at the Eiffel Tower, & I was part of this clean-up crew that was going around picking up all the aluminum cans & plastic bottles that were strewn all over the stairs. I think I volunteered to help because I would be able to climb the stairs all the way to the top, which is something I've always wanted to do.
There was some kind of school tour or something that was coming in, & out of nowhere, some of the (college-age) kids would randomly fall through the floor. I got a list of all the kids from the chaperone, & it became my responsibility to find everyone on the list while I made my climb to the top. Along the way, I kept having to help people who had fallen through the floor, and we even fell all the way back to bottom, & I had to start again.
After I'd found/helped everyone from the list, I ran into Greg & stopped for a while. I don't remember what all we talked about, but I remember I really wanted to keep climbing to the top, but he either didn't want me to, or made me feel guilty about wanting that.
I'm not any kind of expert in dream interpretation, but this one seems pretty clear. There's something I want to accomplish - a goal I want to reach for myself. But I keep getting slowed down by helping other people along the way, and feeling like no matter how far I get, I end up having to start all over again and again. And, it seems my subconscious blames Greg for not being able to reach my goal(s), or possibly thinks Greg is in the way.
I'm really not sure what to do with this - I don't think there's anything I can do about it at this point. We're kind of stuck where we are - physically, financially, all of it. I guess I just hope that when all of this Florida business is over, I can find a way to start climbing that Eiffel Tower again, you know?
There was some kind of school tour or something that was coming in, & out of nowhere, some of the (college-age) kids would randomly fall through the floor. I got a list of all the kids from the chaperone, & it became my responsibility to find everyone on the list while I made my climb to the top. Along the way, I kept having to help people who had fallen through the floor, and we even fell all the way back to bottom, & I had to start again.
After I'd found/helped everyone from the list, I ran into Greg & stopped for a while. I don't remember what all we talked about, but I remember I really wanted to keep climbing to the top, but he either didn't want me to, or made me feel guilty about wanting that.
I'm not any kind of expert in dream interpretation, but this one seems pretty clear. There's something I want to accomplish - a goal I want to reach for myself. But I keep getting slowed down by helping other people along the way, and feeling like no matter how far I get, I end up having to start all over again and again. And, it seems my subconscious blames Greg for not being able to reach my goal(s), or possibly thinks Greg is in the way.
I'm really not sure what to do with this - I don't think there's anything I can do about it at this point. We're kind of stuck where we are - physically, financially, all of it. I guess I just hope that when all of this Florida business is over, I can find a way to start climbing that Eiffel Tower again, you know?
Friday, August 25, 2017
One month down!
We survived our first month in the big city!
Exactly four weeks ago yesterday, my husband, our infant son, our dog, & I moved from Nebraska to Orlando, Florida. We left our 944 sq ft, two bedroom, one bath rental house with a big yard, drove for three days, & moved into an 844 sq ft, two bedroom, two bath, second-floor apartment.
It's been an adjustment, to say the least.
I think it's been hardest on our dog. The poor guy was so used to having a yard to run around & play fetch. We would even open the door & let him go into the unfenced yard by himself. Now, he has to wait until one of us can take him out on the leash & find a designated dog area to do his business. I can't wait for the day when we can have a yard for him again.
Greg & I have been having a hard time adjusting to our new surroundings, as well. We're not what you would call "city people" & it's been difficult to get used to living surrounded by and on top of other people. Everything down here is also incredibly expensive, so while there's no shortage of things to do & see, the necessity of paying our bills & stocking up on groceries has kept us pretty limited on our outward adventures. But, we still try to get out & see as much as we can on a budget; I was lucky enough to see Disney World's Magic Kingdom with my parents while they were here helping us move in, & Greg & I are making plans to visit Universal Studios during Halloween.
We are trying to make the best of it, but to be totally honest, we're both just kind of counting down the months until he's done with school & we can move on to where we really want to be (spoiler alert: it will NOT be in any city!).
On the plus side, I am loving all the time I get to spend with our little boy. I'm doing the stay at home mom thing, & I swear I could stare at him all day. He is the absolute light of my life, & his little smiles & laughs are...indescribable.
Another fun fact: there are lizards everywhere!! And they're adorable :) A vast improvement over the innumerable garter snakes of Nebraska --cringe & shiver-- Turns out, these little lizards are anoles, & we've seen them in a variety of sizes & colors; black, brown, green, gray, & anywhere from 1/2 inch long to 6 inches. I'm rather fascinated with these little guys, & my goal is to touch &/or hold one before we leave. I'm going to try & get some pictures of them to post, but they are incredibly quick little things! Watching them dart in & out of the plants & trees is pretty entertaining. The dog wasn't quite sure what to make of them at first, but now he doesn't really pay attention.
So, there's a very brief overview of our first month in Orlando. Not much to report so far, but hopefully the Elwood's Adventures in Orlando will have many more exciting chapters coming soon.
Exactly four weeks ago yesterday, my husband, our infant son, our dog, & I moved from Nebraska to Orlando, Florida. We left our 944 sq ft, two bedroom, one bath rental house with a big yard, drove for three days, & moved into an 844 sq ft, two bedroom, two bath, second-floor apartment.
It's been an adjustment, to say the least.
I think it's been hardest on our dog. The poor guy was so used to having a yard to run around & play fetch. We would even open the door & let him go into the unfenced yard by himself. Now, he has to wait until one of us can take him out on the leash & find a designated dog area to do his business. I can't wait for the day when we can have a yard for him again.
Greg & I have been having a hard time adjusting to our new surroundings, as well. We're not what you would call "city people" & it's been difficult to get used to living surrounded by and on top of other people. Everything down here is also incredibly expensive, so while there's no shortage of things to do & see, the necessity of paying our bills & stocking up on groceries has kept us pretty limited on our outward adventures. But, we still try to get out & see as much as we can on a budget; I was lucky enough to see Disney World's Magic Kingdom with my parents while they were here helping us move in, & Greg & I are making plans to visit Universal Studios during Halloween.
We are trying to make the best of it, but to be totally honest, we're both just kind of counting down the months until he's done with school & we can move on to where we really want to be (spoiler alert: it will NOT be in any city!).
On the plus side, I am loving all the time I get to spend with our little boy. I'm doing the stay at home mom thing, & I swear I could stare at him all day. He is the absolute light of my life, & his little smiles & laughs are...indescribable.
Another fun fact: there are lizards everywhere!! And they're adorable :) A vast improvement over the innumerable garter snakes of Nebraska --cringe & shiver-- Turns out, these little lizards are anoles, & we've seen them in a variety of sizes & colors; black, brown, green, gray, & anywhere from 1/2 inch long to 6 inches. I'm rather fascinated with these little guys, & my goal is to touch &/or hold one before we leave. I'm going to try & get some pictures of them to post, but they are incredibly quick little things! Watching them dart in & out of the plants & trees is pretty entertaining. The dog wasn't quite sure what to make of them at first, but now he doesn't really pay attention.
So, there's a very brief overview of our first month in Orlando. Not much to report so far, but hopefully the Elwood's Adventures in Orlando will have many more exciting chapters coming soon.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Letters I'll Never Send - Vol. 1
I'm sorry I am not sorry.
Let me clarify...
I am sorry that you feel like you can't talk to me about what's going on in your life anymore. I am sorry you seem to feel like...we're in competition with each other? But most of all, I am sorry, so so sorry for what you've been through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, & I don't pretend to know how hard it is, was, or continues to be.
But I am not sorry that I met the love of my life first. I am not sorry that he proposed after we'd been together for several years. I am not sorry that we got married at the time that was right for us. I am not sorry that we got pregnant, even though it wasn't 100% planned to happen at that time. I am not sorry that I had a safe, easy pregnancy & birth. I am not sorry that I have the most beautiful baby boy.
I am sorry that all of these things seem to have caused an irreparable rift between us. I'm sorry that we can't talk about anything & everything like we used to. I'm sorry we can't/don't go out dancing anymore.
Finally, I'm sorry I can't keep trying. I feel like you gave up on our friendship the moment I told you I was pregnant. While I can only imagine how hard that was for you, I can't imagine completely withdrawing from the life of someone I called a best friend - especially at a time when they were embarking on something so frightening and exciting and utterly life-changing. It hurt. It hurt that you didn't reach out to me. It hurt that you barely responded when I would reach to you. It hurt that you couldn't support me, but I think it hurt worse that you wouldn't let me support you.
As much as I want to share this new chapter of my life with you, I don't think it would be well received. As much as I want desperately to be part of all the upcoming chapters of your life, I think I'll have to watch them from a distance.
So yes, there are things I'm sorry for, & things I will never be sorry for.
And I just wanted to say that.
Let me clarify...
I am sorry that you feel like you can't talk to me about what's going on in your life anymore. I am sorry you seem to feel like...we're in competition with each other? But most of all, I am sorry, so so sorry for what you've been through. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, & I don't pretend to know how hard it is, was, or continues to be.
But I am not sorry that I met the love of my life first. I am not sorry that he proposed after we'd been together for several years. I am not sorry that we got married at the time that was right for us. I am not sorry that we got pregnant, even though it wasn't 100% planned to happen at that time. I am not sorry that I had a safe, easy pregnancy & birth. I am not sorry that I have the most beautiful baby boy.
I am sorry that all of these things seem to have caused an irreparable rift between us. I'm sorry that we can't talk about anything & everything like we used to. I'm sorry we can't/don't go out dancing anymore.
Finally, I'm sorry I can't keep trying. I feel like you gave up on our friendship the moment I told you I was pregnant. While I can only imagine how hard that was for you, I can't imagine completely withdrawing from the life of someone I called a best friend - especially at a time when they were embarking on something so frightening and exciting and utterly life-changing. It hurt. It hurt that you didn't reach out to me. It hurt that you barely responded when I would reach to you. It hurt that you couldn't support me, but I think it hurt worse that you wouldn't let me support you.
As much as I want to share this new chapter of my life with you, I don't think it would be well received. As much as I want desperately to be part of all the upcoming chapters of your life, I think I'll have to watch them from a distance.
So yes, there are things I'm sorry for, & things I will never be sorry for.
And I just wanted to say that.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Orlando or Bust!
No point in beating around the bush here - in case you didn't figure it out from the title, the Elwood family is packing up & moving to Orlando, Florida!
Greg has the opportunity to attend the Motorcycle Mechanics Institute at UTI in Orlando for the next year & a half to become a Harley Davidson-certified mechanic. So, in approximately 30 days (32 from today, actually, but who's counting?), we will be packing up our infant son, our dog, and our lives, and making the 3-4 day drive (that's right; we're driving) to begin our new life! This is an incredible opportunity for all of us, & completing the 18-month course paves the way for Greg to have a solid career with Harley Davidson afterward.
Truth time: I am terrified!!
And excited!
But...mostly terrified.
I have never in my life lived outside of Nebraska, & I have never lived in a town bigger than 30,000 people (nor have I ever wanted to). But, I am excited to experience something so new & so far outside of my comfort zone, not to mention all the new adventures that will be waiting for us in Florida (hello, Disney World & Universal Studios!!). And I'm very excited for Greg to have this opportunity; he's been looking for a career he can be passionate about ever since I've known him. And did I mention that our apartment is going to be freaking awesome?! Because that helps too :)
So yeah. This is happening, and happening soon. It's something that's been in the works for us for about a year now, but we've been keeping it quiet until we had all the details worked out. Then some other things happened (like the birth of our son :) :) :) ), and before we knew it, we were 60 days out! And now here we are. I have officially given my notice at work (& I am going to bawl my bloody eyes out on my last day there! :'( ); we gave our notice to our landlords; and we're slowly tackling the daunting task of packing up an entire house & sorting what goes into storage versus what goes into the moving trailer.
--Insert deep breathing here--
To be honest, I was never sure what "or bust" meant when I would hear people say it, or see it on signs. When I was little, I thought they meant "or bus stop" & just ran out of space. Turns out, it means "or collapse from effort/die trying." While this will certainly be the longest road trip of my life (so far, anyway), I'm really hoping we will be able to make it without the "or bust" so to speak.
So, yeah. This is seriously happening.
Greg has the opportunity to attend the Motorcycle Mechanics Institute at UTI in Orlando for the next year & a half to become a Harley Davidson-certified mechanic. So, in approximately 30 days (32 from today, actually, but who's counting?), we will be packing up our infant son, our dog, and our lives, and making the 3-4 day drive (that's right; we're driving) to begin our new life! This is an incredible opportunity for all of us, & completing the 18-month course paves the way for Greg to have a solid career with Harley Davidson afterward.
Truth time: I am terrified!!
And excited!
But...mostly terrified.
I have never in my life lived outside of Nebraska, & I have never lived in a town bigger than 30,000 people (nor have I ever wanted to). But, I am excited to experience something so new & so far outside of my comfort zone, not to mention all the new adventures that will be waiting for us in Florida (hello, Disney World & Universal Studios!!). And I'm very excited for Greg to have this opportunity; he's been looking for a career he can be passionate about ever since I've known him. And did I mention that our apartment is going to be freaking awesome?! Because that helps too :)
So yeah. This is happening, and happening soon. It's something that's been in the works for us for about a year now, but we've been keeping it quiet until we had all the details worked out. Then some other things happened (like the birth of our son :) :) :) ), and before we knew it, we were 60 days out! And now here we are. I have officially given my notice at work (& I am going to bawl my bloody eyes out on my last day there! :'( ); we gave our notice to our landlords; and we're slowly tackling the daunting task of packing up an entire house & sorting what goes into storage versus what goes into the moving trailer.
--Insert deep breathing here--
To be honest, I was never sure what "or bust" meant when I would hear people say it, or see it on signs. When I was little, I thought they meant "or bus stop" & just ran out of space. Turns out, it means "or collapse from effort/die trying." While this will certainly be the longest road trip of my life (so far, anyway), I'm really hoping we will be able to make it without the "or bust" so to speak.
So, yeah. This is seriously happening.
Monday, April 25, 2016
One Year as an Elwood
Yesterday morning, I sat down to compose an anniversary piece. A tribute, you might say, to the last 365 days of my life, and the man who shared them with me as my husband. But as I stared at the screen, I decided it is perhaps more important - to me, at least - to tell the blunt and honest truth.
This year has been at times the most difficult year of my life.
The first year of marriage is not perfect, and from what I've been told - repeatedly - it never is. Oh yes, everyone and their dog has been lining up all year long to assure me of the old adage, "The first year of marriage is the hardest." And yes, I did think we would be the exception to this. After all, we'd been together for four and a half years before we got married, and living together for almost the same amount of time. What would really be that different?
I can't speak for my husband, but for me, even the first month, things were different. They were better. Soooo much better! We flirted, we laughed, we did things for each other, I felt so much closer to him, everything was new & fun like when we first got together, & all the little things we (or I) griped about before seemed so insignificant & pointless. I was so excited to be that annoying newlywed couple who post all these pictures of themselves, & constantly remind everyone that they got married this year, like: "Happy 4th of July from the newlyweds!" "First Halloween as Mr & Mrs!" "It's Thanksgiving in the Elwood house!"
It was the happiest I ever remember feeling.
Before I go on, here's a bit of background: my husband sustained substantial injuries in Iraq in 2007 (before I knew him) which ultimately led to him being discharged from the army. Since then, his condition had improved to the point where his doctor(s) had cleared him to go back to work full-time, and he found a job first with a factory in town, then with an irrigation company nearby. In early June of last year, he started coming home from work in more and more pain. By the end of the month, he would come home, shower, and by sidelined on the couch for the remainder of the evening because the pain in his knees & back was so severe that he couldn't do anything else. Flash forward to the end of August when his injuries had worsened to the point where he was forced to quit his job.
The next several months were spent reassessing our priorities, and struggling to find balance in our new situation - both financially & personally. I knew my husband was struggling with his new limitations & worried about the future. And, like me, when there is something heavy weighing on him, he pulls into himself and pushes the rest of the world away. I know this because, like I said, I do the same thing. Somewhere in this time, I guess I began to withdraw from the people and things around me, too. I went to work, I came home, a couple nights a week I went to the gym. I rarely reached out to my friends, and when I did, I almost never told them the truth about how things were going. I knew it made people uncomfortable, & everyone had their own important things to deal with; there was nothing they could do to help our situation, so why burden them with it? It was what it was, and I just had to keep pushing on until it got better.
Little by little, however, the thought began to creep into my mind;
what if it doesn't get better?
I wanted to talk to my husband about my concerns and how I was feeling, but I felt like I had no right. He was the one going through this, not me. He was the one in pain all the time, not me. He was the one who had all this thrust upon him and so much else taken away all at once, not me. What possible reason could I have to ask for his sympathy? (Please note, these were all my thoughts, never his) So, I sought out counseling sessions through a fantastic program provided by my work's health insurance. Counseling had helped me so much in the past, I was sure it would help me now. Unfortunately, the counselor & I just didn't "click", and, rather than seek out someone else, I became even more disheartened, resigning myself to the harsh reality that I would have to deal with everything on my own.
It was the loneliest I ever remember feeling.
I think it was November when my husband posted an update on our situation on Facebook, & my friend Tara reached out to me. She told me a coworker of hers was part of a support group for people whose spouses or loved ones suffer from PTSD, chronic pain, TBI, or other military-related injuries and hardships. I went to one meeting, and within the first 15 minutes, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. Hearing these women - these real, emotional, strong women - sharing experiences so similar to mine made me feel like I wasn't alone after all, and - as trite as it may sound - renewed my hope that things really could get better. I was so relieved, I cried. A lot.
The new year saw us going out with friends again, being more involved in each others' lives, and a revitalized intimacy in our relationship. I earned a promotion with my job that allowed me to work in different positions throughout the day. My husband & I were both so excited for this new opportunity; it was going to be more work, and of a different kind, but I loved it, and was anxious to meet the goals they set for me. For that month, I firmly believed that 2016 would, in fact, be better. But...
On Valentine's Day, we noticed our beloved cat, Selene hadn't been eating, and had been getting sick. She always loved her food, so we took her to the vet who told us she had a baseball-sized, cancerous tumor in her abdominal area. It had come on so quickly, he said she likely had only a week left at the most, and the chances of her surviving an attempt at surgery were very slim. We could watch her waste away in pain, or we could let her go in peace.
Tuesday, February 16th, we took our little Selene back to the vet, wrapped her in a red fleece blanket - one she always snuggled into my lap with - kissed her, hugged her, and loved on her, and she passed away cuddled up on my lap. No more pain, no more suffering. My husband and I were both shaking with tears and grief. She was our baby, and she was gone. It felt like someone had carved a piece out of my heart, and I know that feeling will never go away, for either of us. Not a day goes by that we don't miss her little face, her purring, her kisses, and her attitude, but her loss forced us to lean on each other again for support, to talk to each other like we used to. I don't think either of us would have gotten through it without the other. And, of course, our dog :)
Even though we'd never really settled on a date at this point (he wanted to wait until we'd been married at least a year, I wanted to start trying after the new year), we decided to put off having a family. Despite the fact that I knew it was the right decision for us, it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had reached a point where I was ready to be a mother, and it was what I wanted for me in my life. But that's the thing about being married; it's not just you anymore, and it's not just your life. After losing Selene, however, we were able to reach a compromise (after much debating, a couple all-out fights, and of course more tears) and agreed to wait until our life is a little more settled. Another adage I've heard more time than I can count over the last year: "If you wait until you're ready to have a baby, or until you can afford it, you'll never have one."
--exhausted sigh & eye roll--
So yes, the first year of marriage has definitely been hard. But in all fairness to marriage, it didn't exactly get the chance to put its best foot forward before life came out of nowhere and knocked it on its ass. The point is, we got back up. We toughed it out. This weekend was the first time we were able to talk about Selene without one of us - ok, me - sobbing uncontrollably. We took a trip to the Henry Doorly Zoo on Saturday and ate Hardee's. Twice. Last night, we got dressed up and went out for dinner & a movie, then finished the night with the Game of Thrones premier. Today we'll eat last year's wedding cake, order a Hot Stuff pizza, and watch Outlander. We're slowly figuring out our future, & just how different it looks now as compared to a year ago.
Our marriage did get off to a rough start, and we've both said if we hadn't had four and a half years of practice with each other before all this, it's hard to say what would have happened. I'm still a little sad we don't have more pictures of our first year as husband as wife, but we still have year two, year three, year 50 :) We still have issue to work through (as all couples do), and I'm sure we still have any number of trials ahead of us, but I'm feeling better about our future than I have in a while. And if we survived this year, I'm pretty sure we got this.
Happy Anniversary, husband!
I will love you when you drive me crazy
I will respect you when we disagree
I will support you when bad times come our way
And I will always remember
How grateful I am
To have you by my side
This year has been at times the most difficult year of my life.
The first year of marriage is not perfect, and from what I've been told - repeatedly - it never is. Oh yes, everyone and their dog has been lining up all year long to assure me of the old adage, "The first year of marriage is the hardest." And yes, I did think we would be the exception to this. After all, we'd been together for four and a half years before we got married, and living together for almost the same amount of time. What would really be that different?
I can't speak for my husband, but for me, even the first month, things were different. They were better. Soooo much better! We flirted, we laughed, we did things for each other, I felt so much closer to him, everything was new & fun like when we first got together, & all the little things we (or I) griped about before seemed so insignificant & pointless. I was so excited to be that annoying newlywed couple who post all these pictures of themselves, & constantly remind everyone that they got married this year, like: "Happy 4th of July from the newlyweds!" "First Halloween as Mr & Mrs!" "It's Thanksgiving in the Elwood house!"
It was the happiest I ever remember feeling.
Before I go on, here's a bit of background: my husband sustained substantial injuries in Iraq in 2007 (before I knew him) which ultimately led to him being discharged from the army. Since then, his condition had improved to the point where his doctor(s) had cleared him to go back to work full-time, and he found a job first with a factory in town, then with an irrigation company nearby. In early June of last year, he started coming home from work in more and more pain. By the end of the month, he would come home, shower, and by sidelined on the couch for the remainder of the evening because the pain in his knees & back was so severe that he couldn't do anything else. Flash forward to the end of August when his injuries had worsened to the point where he was forced to quit his job.
The next several months were spent reassessing our priorities, and struggling to find balance in our new situation - both financially & personally. I knew my husband was struggling with his new limitations & worried about the future. And, like me, when there is something heavy weighing on him, he pulls into himself and pushes the rest of the world away. I know this because, like I said, I do the same thing. Somewhere in this time, I guess I began to withdraw from the people and things around me, too. I went to work, I came home, a couple nights a week I went to the gym. I rarely reached out to my friends, and when I did, I almost never told them the truth about how things were going. I knew it made people uncomfortable, & everyone had their own important things to deal with; there was nothing they could do to help our situation, so why burden them with it? It was what it was, and I just had to keep pushing on until it got better.
Little by little, however, the thought began to creep into my mind;
what if it doesn't get better?
I wanted to talk to my husband about my concerns and how I was feeling, but I felt like I had no right. He was the one going through this, not me. He was the one in pain all the time, not me. He was the one who had all this thrust upon him and so much else taken away all at once, not me. What possible reason could I have to ask for his sympathy? (Please note, these were all my thoughts, never his) So, I sought out counseling sessions through a fantastic program provided by my work's health insurance. Counseling had helped me so much in the past, I was sure it would help me now. Unfortunately, the counselor & I just didn't "click", and, rather than seek out someone else, I became even more disheartened, resigning myself to the harsh reality that I would have to deal with everything on my own.
It was the loneliest I ever remember feeling.
I think it was November when my husband posted an update on our situation on Facebook, & my friend Tara reached out to me. She told me a coworker of hers was part of a support group for people whose spouses or loved ones suffer from PTSD, chronic pain, TBI, or other military-related injuries and hardships. I went to one meeting, and within the first 15 minutes, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. Hearing these women - these real, emotional, strong women - sharing experiences so similar to mine made me feel like I wasn't alone after all, and - as trite as it may sound - renewed my hope that things really could get better. I was so relieved, I cried. A lot.
The new year saw us going out with friends again, being more involved in each others' lives, and a revitalized intimacy in our relationship. I earned a promotion with my job that allowed me to work in different positions throughout the day. My husband & I were both so excited for this new opportunity; it was going to be more work, and of a different kind, but I loved it, and was anxious to meet the goals they set for me. For that month, I firmly believed that 2016 would, in fact, be better. But...
On Valentine's Day, we noticed our beloved cat, Selene hadn't been eating, and had been getting sick. She always loved her food, so we took her to the vet who told us she had a baseball-sized, cancerous tumor in her abdominal area. It had come on so quickly, he said she likely had only a week left at the most, and the chances of her surviving an attempt at surgery were very slim. We could watch her waste away in pain, or we could let her go in peace.
Tuesday, February 16th, we took our little Selene back to the vet, wrapped her in a red fleece blanket - one she always snuggled into my lap with - kissed her, hugged her, and loved on her, and she passed away cuddled up on my lap. No more pain, no more suffering. My husband and I were both shaking with tears and grief. She was our baby, and she was gone. It felt like someone had carved a piece out of my heart, and I know that feeling will never go away, for either of us. Not a day goes by that we don't miss her little face, her purring, her kisses, and her attitude, but her loss forced us to lean on each other again for support, to talk to each other like we used to. I don't think either of us would have gotten through it without the other. And, of course, our dog :)
Even though we'd never really settled on a date at this point (he wanted to wait until we'd been married at least a year, I wanted to start trying after the new year), we decided to put off having a family. Despite the fact that I knew it was the right decision for us, it was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had reached a point where I was ready to be a mother, and it was what I wanted for me in my life. But that's the thing about being married; it's not just you anymore, and it's not just your life. After losing Selene, however, we were able to reach a compromise (after much debating, a couple all-out fights, and of course more tears) and agreed to wait until our life is a little more settled. Another adage I've heard more time than I can count over the last year: "If you wait until you're ready to have a baby, or until you can afford it, you'll never have one."
--exhausted sigh & eye roll--
So yes, the first year of marriage has definitely been hard. But in all fairness to marriage, it didn't exactly get the chance to put its best foot forward before life came out of nowhere and knocked it on its ass. The point is, we got back up. We toughed it out. This weekend was the first time we were able to talk about Selene without one of us - ok, me - sobbing uncontrollably. We took a trip to the Henry Doorly Zoo on Saturday and ate Hardee's. Twice. Last night, we got dressed up and went out for dinner & a movie, then finished the night with the Game of Thrones premier. Today we'll eat last year's wedding cake, order a Hot Stuff pizza, and watch Outlander. We're slowly figuring out our future, & just how different it looks now as compared to a year ago.
Our marriage did get off to a rough start, and we've both said if we hadn't had four and a half years of practice with each other before all this, it's hard to say what would have happened. I'm still a little sad we don't have more pictures of our first year as husband as wife, but we still have year two, year three, year 50 :) We still have issue to work through (as all couples do), and I'm sure we still have any number of trials ahead of us, but I'm feeling better about our future than I have in a while. And if we survived this year, I'm pretty sure we got this.
Happy Anniversary, husband!
I will love you when you drive me crazy
I will respect you when we disagree
I will support you when bad times come our way
And I will always remember
How grateful I am
To have you by my side
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